Thursday, November 11, 2010

Crows Feet

I've had my amazing moments.  When I say "amazing" I am referring to my having played a part in life-changing moments and events.  I can close my eyes and travel back in time to when I was in Quito, Ecuador with a great group of people on a mission called, "Affect Destiny."  It seems that we really did just that.  Each of us had a specific role.  For most of the trip I felt like I was just a player in the background; until we arrived at the very last school on our agenda.  I remember feeling a strong tugging at my heart.  We've all heard of people who say that God talks to them.  At that particular moment, God was talking to me.  I knew that I'd be the one to deliver the testimony there.  Surrounded by about 90 very young students I began to speak of my experience as a victim of sexual abuse.  But it wasn't me speaking. Words were flowing from my lips and my heart was beating out of my chest.  I locked eyes with one girl in particular who couldn't seem to stop crying.  Her face was straight, and her lips weren't moving, but the tears would not stop flowing.  She knew my pain.  I knew hers.  This was one of those moments.  I was in the midst of something incredible; a moment of complete exposed truth.  Do you know what it's like to have no secrets?  Have you ever had a completely clear conscience with not one skeleton in your closet?  I have.  Everything dirty and shameful about me was made known that day and for the first time I was able to breathe.  Sadly; I didn't know that feeling for very long.  Returning from Ecuador made a way for a somewhat pure and godly life.  But as a girl in my early twenties I became distracted with the world.  Sound familiar to anyone?  In comparison, I am so much more petty now than I was then.  Older and more experienced in life I have learned some lessons and made some positive changes.  But I miss the purity of my youth. 

Back then, my concerns were innocent.  I struggled with how much time I spent reading God's word, how many people I talked to about God, and whether or not I did my best to help others around me.  I worried about things like poverty, hunger, and those who lacked shelter.  Nowadays my focus is more superficial.  I hate that I am getting wrinkles under and around my eyes.  It's a serious concern too.  I often look up the most effective eye-creams online and research what type of vitamins I should take that would make my face look less depleted.  I hate that my weight-loss has led to a boob loss, I have several pairs of torn jeans because they are torn in different places, and I spend way too much money on clothes. 

In no way am I trying to put myself down.  I believe that a person is made up of many different characteristics.  Rarely does one singular action define an entire person.  But as I evaluate my life I recognize the difference in me. 

Part 2 to come.


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