Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Difference In Me

When I returned to the States from Mozambique; my pastor gave me a bible verse to reflect on and live by.  It was 1 Corinthians 10:23 which states: "All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things are lawful for me, but not all things edify."  His exact words were, "All things are permissible; but all things do not edify."  To my understanding; being edified means being refined and instructed.  That which edifies you leads you to what is truly good, purposeful, and long-term.  It is beneficial for not only yourself; but those around you; and that's the catch.  It's not just about you; it's about those you affect.  When you are edified; you affect your environment in a positive way.  You contribute to your community and care for the well-being of others; and not just their bodies but their souls. 

I lack conviction.  I lack follow-through.  I dove right into the "all is permissible" part of the verse.  I'm yet to actively participate and initiate that which edifies. 

Here's to significant change.  Let's see which steps I take towards a better me.


Sunday, November 28, 2010

Dry Cleaners and God thoughts

Do you ever wonder how certain types of business survive?  Today I had breakfast at Denny's and I noticed that they finally added ham to the "Build Your Own Slam" option.  I was glad because I like the ham there and I always had to pay $2 extra just for a slice.  I'd often think about how much they charge for extra things like that.  For example; if you'd like to add chicken to any plate at Olive Garden; it's an extra $4 or something like that.  But if you go to the store you can buy boneless skinless chicken breast for about $5; and you get about 5 pieces.  This morning I thought, "How much of the cost for these extra's go to the cook, or the waitress?"  Just now I saw an add for a chain of dry-cleaners here in the high desert.  This is sort of a small town and I began to wonder about how these places make a buck.  There are car-washes on every corner.  Do they really make a profit?  With so many retail stores here in the High Desert; I wonder how it is people who work retail can afford rent and shopping.  If it wasn't for my parents and grandparents I'd be scraping the bottom of the barrel working at Roxy and looking like a gamey piece of al'pastor on the spit.

Anyways; what a blessed 4-day weekend.  Lots of fun w/my Jay Bird whom I love so dearly.  I love my parents and enjoy spending time with them.  Also; Ryan Reyna spoke at his church today and it was a powerful message; especially for those who are not as active in their faith as they should be. It made sense to me.  God wants me to partner with Him in all that He is doing.  The truth is that He is working whether I join in or not.  I do miss being a part of what is good in His eyes. 


Thursday, November 25, 2010

My Mama

I am thankful for my mother.  Her compassion and strength are unshakeable.  In hurtful siutations, she goes to her quiet place and talks to God.  Composed she comes out and lives.  Facing her opponent she smiles.  It is Thanksgiving and there is only room for love.  She moves forward and onward to make happy memories because happiness is a choice that involves action.  My best-friend, my rock, my mama.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Is Cristina Aguilera preggers??  She was on Conan tonight and she was looking pretty jiggly; not that I wouldn't kill to look like her even when she jiggles like that.  I had a great day.  Work was busy enough and I had sushi with my dad and my best friend Salina.  Holler.  We even made it to the gym!!!  Goodnight!


Monday, November 15, 2010

Selective Claustraphobia

Yes I have this.  It comes and goes and has a mind of its own.  Today it showed up with a vengeance.  As I sat in my office chair during the last 2 hours of work; a sudden anger came over me and I could not sit still.  I had to get out of my seat and stretch and just get some space.  Does this happen to anyone else?  I like being up and about.  Maybe it's just that I like being able to be up and about whenever I feel I need to.  And whatever happened to 15 minute breaks?  Are those not allowed anymore?  I get an hour for lunch; but does that mean that I get no other break during the day.  I need my 15 minute break.  It would be nice to get out of my seat and just go for a little walk around the hallway.  I can't wait till Wednesday.  I will begin working on what I was hired to do and will be much too busy to sit and freak out.

Should be tired.... but not.


Sunday, November 14, 2010

Growing Pains at 29?

Verbalizing hidden emotions can be painful.  As I speak with a trusted friend about my recent betrayal, my heart begins to ache.  It's easy to have a good day and feel confident and strong.  But in moments of weakness and truth, I still get sad.  As a teen I remember being told to guard my heart.  Until now; I thought I understood what that meant.  It's easy to give your heart away to a nice boy; even easier to think that this nice boy really means what he says and says what he means.  But as a 29 year old woman; I should have gave it more time.  Although we'd been friends for a while; we had only been dating for a month.  I let my feelings take complete control.  I've gone out with guys, dated guys, had guy friends, but never brought a guy that I was dating home to meet my family.  He was my friend first; that is what hurts most.  The age-old sayings hold some truth.  There still are plenty of fish in the sea; and time usually does heal all wounds, but there are times I truly wish I could turn back time and delete the experience I had with this prick.  I'm smarter than that.  Se' la vi.  Lesson learned. I am looking forward to a great week and weekend.  My beautiful Tia Leida will be getting married in Las Vegas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can the cure for a break-up be Las Vegas?  Maybe.


Thursday, November 11, 2010

Crows Feet

I've had my amazing moments.  When I say "amazing" I am referring to my having played a part in life-changing moments and events.  I can close my eyes and travel back in time to when I was in Quito, Ecuador with a great group of people on a mission called, "Affect Destiny."  It seems that we really did just that.  Each of us had a specific role.  For most of the trip I felt like I was just a player in the background; until we arrived at the very last school on our agenda.  I remember feeling a strong tugging at my heart.  We've all heard of people who say that God talks to them.  At that particular moment, God was talking to me.  I knew that I'd be the one to deliver the testimony there.  Surrounded by about 90 very young students I began to speak of my experience as a victim of sexual abuse.  But it wasn't me speaking. Words were flowing from my lips and my heart was beating out of my chest.  I locked eyes with one girl in particular who couldn't seem to stop crying.  Her face was straight, and her lips weren't moving, but the tears would not stop flowing.  She knew my pain.  I knew hers.  This was one of those moments.  I was in the midst of something incredible; a moment of complete exposed truth.  Do you know what it's like to have no secrets?  Have you ever had a completely clear conscience with not one skeleton in your closet?  I have.  Everything dirty and shameful about me was made known that day and for the first time I was able to breathe.  Sadly; I didn't know that feeling for very long.  Returning from Ecuador made a way for a somewhat pure and godly life.  But as a girl in my early twenties I became distracted with the world.  Sound familiar to anyone?  In comparison, I am so much more petty now than I was then.  Older and more experienced in life I have learned some lessons and made some positive changes.  But I miss the purity of my youth. 

Back then, my concerns were innocent.  I struggled with how much time I spent reading God's word, how many people I talked to about God, and whether or not I did my best to help others around me.  I worried about things like poverty, hunger, and those who lacked shelter.  Nowadays my focus is more superficial.  I hate that I am getting wrinkles under and around my eyes.  It's a serious concern too.  I often look up the most effective eye-creams online and research what type of vitamins I should take that would make my face look less depleted.  I hate that my weight-loss has led to a boob loss, I have several pairs of torn jeans because they are torn in different places, and I spend way too much money on clothes. 

In no way am I trying to put myself down.  I believe that a person is made up of many different characteristics.  Rarely does one singular action define an entire person.  But as I evaluate my life I recognize the difference in me. 

Part 2 to come.


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Period Cravings

Why do I get cravings for SUGAR!!!! For chocolate or ice cream? Is it just a girl thing? Is it because "that time" is coming soon? The worse part about this is when the day is over and I'm getting ready for bed; feeling so disgusting.  I know these things are not unheard of.  I am not the only woman on earth to deal with them.  Several of my friends deal with the same struggle.  What is the solution? Sugar free snacks?  How about we just have some sort of control and eat 2 cookies instead of 12?  How about we still go to the gym for at least 45 minutes even though it's the last thing we feel like doing?  It's not just about self-control; it's about consistency.  The more you do something, the easier it is because it becomes a part of your routine.

So tired.


Monday, November 8, 2010

Fun With Friends

So much occurred today; but I prefer to start this weeks blogs on a positive note.  Two of my good friends and I  went to LACMA on Sunday and they had an event going on called Let Them Eat LACMA.  There were a few live exhibits that were so much fun.  For starters; some random girls dressed in "Hot Dog On a Stick" outfits were sporadically placed in 2 of the main rooms.  At first I thought they were there for their work-break, but they were part of the theme of the day.  Ms. Pac-Man was hanging out in the front of the museum, just chomping away at everyone.  William Eggleston, Blinky Palermo; I will never fully understand "modern-art."  It was just nothing.  Pictures, and tacky colors.  No thank you.  Highlighting all of the exhibits was the display of Colossal Olmec heads made from basalt.  How beautiful and precious to see the heads close-up.  I have studied them before and it was just amazing to be in front of them and touch them; even though you're not supposed to touch them.  I simply had to.

After an amazing day at LACMA, I got to see "For Colored Girls," and I recommend that every woman does.  It is real, raw, gripping, and relevant.  So powerful.


Thursday, November 4, 2010

Music and Me

There's always a perfect song for the way I feel.  When I need to stop being lazy and get working on making my future brighter, I listen to some Jay Z.  His music makes me want to do work. " Talkin' bout progress I ain't lookin back, people talkin' bout how Hov left 'em flat. Try to re-write history, let's talk about facts." Whether it's hitting it hard at the gym or just getting 'ish done in my daily life' Jay always gets me going.  

As a single female I face concerns, or just plain old experiences with the opposite sex.  There's tons of music for that.  When I need to remind myself of my worth, and move forward towards a better choice, I listen to some Keyshia Cole.  "I know where I went wrong when I loved you more than I loved myself..."  Her lyrics are so empowering.  "I'm on the move, I don't want to lose what I came to prove. It's everything I expect myself to be.  And I'm going to do everything I set out to; making my dreams come true.  It means so much to me."  If you ladies haven't got into Keyshia; you're truly missing out on some good therapy.  It's not just about heartbreak or sorrow.  It's about knowing yourself and what you deserve.  Alicia Keys has some great songs for that too.  

Lauryn Hill.  Yes that's a sentence.  Have you heard her unplugged album?  "Adam Lives In Theory," "I Gotta Find Peace of Mind," "Rebel," "The Conquering Lion;" it changed my world.  The thing is that the music can't be what you're all about.  You need to live.  You need to live and breathe, experience and learn.  Sometimes you don't have to experience; you can just trust that your mother or father actually knew what they were talking about when they told you not to fall for a man with a child and a baby mama.  

Life's lessons can be learned day to day.  The question is simply this: Do you really want to learn? Do you really want to move on from mediocrity?  I sure as hell do.  I can't help but feel that I was created for an incredible purpose.  That's all fine and dandy.  But will I actually get to a point in my life when I am actually taking the necessary steps that would lead to what my soul was meant for?  

My music can nudge me; but ultimately, my daily choices reflect who I really am.  


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

No Shame

Do you know anybody who has absolutely no shame? Or as we mexican's like to call them: sin verguenzas.  I don't mean someone who is blunt or not embarassed to burp in public.  I'm talking about that big girl who sees there's only 3 pieces of cake but still takes 2 pieces because she will plop over and die if she doesn't. 

I am the type of person who can't hide my facial expressions.  If you do something apauling; I'm going to stare.  I came up with a motto:  If you have the nerve, I have the right.  I was at the beach once and this couple was full on getting busy on their towel.  I literally believe that they were having sex.  I started and kept saying things really loud so that they would hear.  Some of my friends told me to shut up; but I refuse to be silent when people obviously don't care to respect the rights of those around them.  Another time at the beach this guy had his disgusting hairy foot propped up on his tiny girlfriend.  They were about 12 feet from me; but I could still see his thick, long, yellow toe-nails.  His girlfriend whipped out some nail clippers and began to chop them off piece by piece.  It was absolutely repulsive.  I stared, I gagged, I pointed, and I yelled.  "That's effin nasty."  Once again, my friends told me to be quiet.  But if they had the nerve to be so rude and gross in a public place; then I have the right to criticize.  Que no?

Employee orientation today was no picnic.  It was beyond boring and although I wanted to lay my scarf on the table and use it as a pillow; I drank an extra cup of coffee and sucked it up.  Others however, did not.  Two or three of the new employees had their heads on the desk, eyes half shut, and paid no attention to the guest speakers.  No shame! You have a new job at a great place.  Why wouldn't you want to make a great first impression with the department leaders? 

I'm exhausted. Goodnight.


Tuesday, November 2, 2010


First of all; I found out that the protein shake I've been taking is for BUILDING mass!! AHHHH!!  Thankfully; I have stood at the same weight, and not gained!  Good thing I've been hitting the gym on the regular!

Second of all; the thing about thefugleetruth is that once you've had time to think about it; once you let it sink in; you realize that your emotions were in control.  When thefugleetruth comes out, it isn't pretty.  It is painful, and raw, and revealing.  Hopefully you are surrounded by friends when you face these types of moments.  True friends see you at your weakest and hurt along with you.  They wish the best for you and love you even though you have raccoon eyes and a runny nose.  After some time has passed; you realize your mistakes (hopefully) and see that you were more emotional than logical.  It's important to be level-headed when it comes to the notion of love.  Weigh the good and bad; and make a decision that makes sense for you and the plans you have for your future.  It's not all about feelings. 

Life is so beautiful.  After work I spent a few hours with my parents.  What an example of love.  They have their fights and little arguments; but at the end of the day they work things out and are the best of friends.  I feel blessed that they still enjoy spending time with me.  On the way home from Ontario we were pretty quiet untill my mom started talking about a show called "Taboo" on the National Geographic channel.  She was telling my dad about this woman who has a waist the size of a cd (compact disc).  She went on and on about this couple who special orders corsets that are 2 sizes too small for the wife.  Yuck!!  My mom started cracking up and went on to tell us about men who have life-sized female dolls as their life-partners.  What the hell?  She had been quiet for 45 minutes but apparently her wheels were turning.  It was hilarious. Good times.